i don't want to be a double-faced person. i can't be a Sunday Christian and be "careless" Christian during the rest of the week.

i'm being a HYPOCRITE.

argh. yung entry ko ay nasa title na rin. hahaha. pakibasa na lang ulit at damahin. hehe.

naiinis ako dun sa relos na kakabili lang. ang mahal-mahal tas mawawala yung isang whatever nya.

at nakakainis yung mga tao na..ayun. stop na us..iskandalo ito. hehehe.

tomorrow na ang first exam ko for this sem. ayun lang. milestone nga dba? hahaha.

i sooo love....*you make dugtong na lang..hahaha!*

hindi ko kaya mag-aral hangga't di ko ito nalalabas. so walang kwenta to. purely outlet lang..no one has to read it. i know no one reads my blog anyway din naman.

these past few days..ang dami kong iniisip.  isa lang naman ang common thing: yung organization na naging active ako this year..at exec ako sa chapter na yun sa university namin. honestly, this year was like a whirlwind. (ok, i'm talking about my life in this org ha) i had my very happy and very sad times..i learned to love a lot (hellooo. this need not be a romantic love) and get sad a lot. i didn't get angry or what. pero ayun.

sometimes at madalas na ngayon, iniisip ko kung nakabubuti ba sa akin yung pagstay ko dito. hindi ko alam kung masasabi ko lahat dito but anyway.

i knew God more sa org na ito. God used this for me to experience Him more in my camp and "everyday" life. pero i think, it's not helping me anymore. i just can't explain it..it's actually breaking my heart to pieces. OA dba? but you don't know the whole story. actually, as i'm typing this, nabblurred na yung vision ko..nalulungkot kasi ako. ayoko ng ganitong pakiramdam. (hindi na ako "emo". nung high school, hayup, kahit maliit na problema, iyak talaga) madalas, binabalewala ko lang. pero kasi nahihirapan na rin ako. gusto ko nang bumitiw at magsisi na sumali pa ako sa org na ito. really. but i know and believe that God has a purpose kung bakit nya ako dinala dito..sometimes, i tend to question kung nagamit ba ako ni Lord para makabless ng ibang tao at mashare ang Word Nya sa iba..like yung pagigiging counselor sa camp. is that even a right question? am i being too selfish? but i feel so unproductive. i don't even know if i'm growing and "maturing" here. i feel like i want to have a new environment. the whole thing is eating me inside..masyado na eh. but Lord, i know, You're pruning me and shaping me. this is part of the learning process You gave me ever since i joined this whole thing.

................................... i'm too speechless. i really don't know what to say. pero not even my hardcore studies could shake my attention away from it. parang every waking moment ay ito ang iniisip ko.

LORD! I plead You. help me see the purpose of this all..i really can't see. sinabi na nila yung goal, mission, visions nila and everything. pero bakit po ganon? parang hindi ko po rin maintindihan. nagkahalohalo na ba lahat, Lord?

Lord, show me the way. kung ano ba dapat gawin ko. kahit gusto ko bumitiw, pero hindi, kasi dito nyo po ako lalo iniistrengthen..sa aking mga weaknesses. help me not to give up..even if it seems na ito yung clear na dapat gawin. easier said than done. i love saying it..don't give up. don't give up. but why is it sooo hard to do? ayun nga. kayo po ang bahala Lord.

buti nakikita ko yung libro na "it's not about me" ni Lucado. yung title pa lang, sapul na. sobra.

hindi naman talaga tungkol sa akin ang buhay ko na to. lahat ng ito ay hiram sa Panginoon. kaya dapat lahat ng meron ako..lalo na aking mga decisions, hangarin, kagustuhan, kasiyahan ay saKanya lamang nakatanim.

that felt better. letting out something which bothers you so bad is actually helpful. lalo na ang PRAYER.

honestly, ngayon, gulong-gulo ako.  gusto ko lumayo sa ibang tao na nagpapagulo ng utak ko..wala silang ginagawa. pero yung attitude ko towards the whole thing ay yung cause. what a selfish girl i am. after all, hindi solusyon ang pag-iwas. di ba? pero iba rin naman yung masyado mong iniimmerse sarili mo sa things na you know won't help you at all, and is actually bringing you down pa.

so...i'm keeping distance. it wasn't totally "pathogenic" to me.."beneficial" din in many ways. but i guess, maraming changes and adjustments ang nangyayari. watdaa, microbio lang yata to eh. haha. hindi no. true to life to.